It is 2am. It’s still dark outside. With a sudden realization that I am not alone in my booze addiction, hundreds upon thousands of other people are looking at me. I look at my watch, then sigh. Then, I get up and move on. They aren’t better than me. It’s not that I am a sad and locked-in loser (although this is debateable). The truth is, I do not need distractions like booze or fun. These things are not important to me. Why? Because I found the ancient art known as Midget Throwing.
It could be a sign that times are changing. Maybe I am finally going insane. It’s possible that I have spent the entire night gazing at flying dwarfs. This is not all. You may have read our article, ‘The A Team – Then and Now.’ You should go over to the A-Team if you don’t have one. Then, after I had posted the masterpiece online, one line stood out to me. “Mr T is winner of the World’s Toughest Bouncer contest. One of the events in the competition was dwarf tossing (since outlawed.)”How do dwarfs toss? This sounds fantastic! That sounds incredible!Thank you!
Dwarf Tossing/Midget Throwing is a lost sport. It was invented in Australia in 1980. This pub game was for white trash country people who were bored driving their tractor. One website, hosted by the reliable BBC.co.uk says:
“This pub sport can be played by anyone, as the need for heavy consumption of alcoholic beverages as preparation purposes is completely optional, but strongly recommended. Both men and women can play and even compete against each other head-to-head. Unfortunately for the men, the women who generally participate tend to have male like qualities. This has meant the customary swapping of shirts at the end of each competition has been scrapped, due to the women’s constant complaints that the shirts given to them were always too small and that they wouldn’t want to wear the shirt of a ‘chauvinist pig who got his kicks throwing persons of restricted growth anyway’.
Large muscles, strong legs and the arbitrary beer belly are the physical secret weapons of a true dwarf-throwing athlete. However, to fully master the sport the athlete must also possess the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard, the timing of a magician, the patience of a predator and the appearance of a rather large bull sitting on a wasp. In order for ‘persons pacified with their horizontally-perpendicular circumstances’ to take part in a throwing competition they must always wear full protective clothing. Injury is a serious threat to the career of a Throwing Dwarf who, if on tour, can earn a six-figure sum for allowing people to share in their very specialised field of expertise.”
“Unlike golf, this is a true spectator’s sport worthy of any Olympic games but thanks of the interventions of ‘persons who negotiate a humour deficiency’ no professional body has been created to globally organise and fund what can only be described as the only sport that promotes an unprejudiced view of society (even though a British Association of Dwarf Throwers does currently exist).”
Christopher Reeve shakes in his grave. Lois Lane quietly weeps.
This flying midget earns six figures. Is this possible? This makes me wonder: Who in the name Jesus H Jones pay these people? Are there Flying Midgets? Is this something you could put on your resume? These talented humans are capable of launching missiles at the world.
You basically do the following: pick up your chosen midget, who will most likely wear a safety helmet or vest. Then take three steps and try to throw him as far and wide as possible. This is the best non-PC game ever created. Winner is whoever can launch their human missile farthest. Though I am afraid to imagine the prizes that would be awarded. Perhaps sexual favours… Who knows?
The Roots.
The Dwarf Throwing World Championship was the first of these bizarre events to receive any recognition. This was in 1986, further evidence that it was a terrible decade. The Team England, Danny Blue, Roy Merrin, and Lenny The Giant won that particular tossfest. They were the true heroes of the hour.
Making and breaking records.
Look at this amazing newspaper clipping. You can be sure it’s real. Cuddles, a white trashnutcase from the United States holds the current record for longest throw. God bless. It’s obvious that he is very proud of his mothermy. It was a remarkable throw of 12 feet 9 inches. Cuddles is part of a group called Oddballs, which are circus escapees. Most famous among the Oddballs is their unnervingly homoerotic ‘baloon dance’. This involves their naked prancing around with baloons over their pinkened and shrunken bodies.
Local newspapers seemed to be all over the spectacle, eager to provide you with the most recent information on this thrilling spectator sport. The event seems to have been held in a sleepy, hick-filled country house (we’ll call it Sheepball on-sea). Or, there may have been some bizarre, horrifying midget sex fetish at that time…
Oh, and by the way (if you give a shit) – according to some random, haggared site I’ve since forgotten about, the English are still world champs. This is another reason to be proud of our country. While we may not be proud of the Olympics or any other actual sport, it is clear that those midgets are capable of flying.
It was not surprising that people rallied to get this non-PC, disgusting, but strangely interesting sport banned. Wow, that must have been one hell of a sight – hundreds of people marching down on the houses of law, demanding that the vertically-challenged have the right to stay on the ground. I wish that I was there. Damned hindsight.
The year was 1989, and the world’s only support group for the vertically-challenged – The Little People Of America – went to Florida and convinced the lawmakers there that this strange sport is infact cruel and should be stopped. Dwarf-tossing in New York and Florida was banned by a large margin. You can throw migdets in Texas, however, which is the home state for LPA. You want to abuse a Midget? Get in your car, and start driving… Dave Flood later appears on a morning radio show. “Dave the Dwarf,”The issue was taken to court, and the sport became illegal in bars. Dave, thank you.
Ontario in Canada passed the Dwarf Tossing Ban Act of 2003. This law carries penalties of either a $5,000 fine or six-month imprisonment. They may have an extra wing for dwarf-tossers in jail. Hmmmm…
This bizarre sport continues to be played today, despite all the legal action. While researching for the article/compulsive wastage of time, I came across a random Satan-type website with a section about Dwarf-Tossing. The photos below were taken at an event that took place in Sheepball on-sea. The one thing that I saw was the identical midgets being thrown by all the hickory Hillbillies. Poor thing! This is just wrong! It’s not right!
Do not try this bizarre and perverse game, no matter what it may be. Johnny Law is two steps ahead of you, ready to put your little sexy bod in prison. We’ve all heard the horror stories about rapists being held in prison. You can imagine what they’d do for a Dwarf Thrower. It’s not cool to be a thrower.
An Article By: Part-time Ninja of [http://www.twistededge.co.uk]