It is clear that bullying must be stopped and prevented. Let me ask you a question. “What do you do if you are the one bullying yourself?”When I was a kid, the constant, incessant and self-vilifying assault on my mind that was happening in my head made it difficult to sleep. These were not thoughts about failing or acting as a fool. These thoughts were about being already a fool or a failure. When my father informed me I was being irresponsible the conversation that I had in my head turned into “I am irresponsible!”My thoughts on never fitting in were accompanied by the fact that I was three years younger than my brothers. It is not that my thoughts were all mean. They were high-quality, but they weren’t enough.
In elementary school I went to Catholic. My awareness of these thoughts made me feel like a sinner at Hell’s doorstep. Outside, it seems like I faked everything. That inner voice, however, would simply wait and watch until it was too late. It would then speak up, saying things such as “See. I told you so. Who are you trying to fool?”Talking to other kids, I discovered a little comfort in their similar feelings. After all, misery loves company. However, this didn’t stop me from being quiet about my self-harassment. To avoid spending too much time alone, I kept myself busy with any kind of activity.
The first year of high school gave me the hope of living in harmony with my peers. I had to take a Cognitive Psychology class in my Health Class. The videos featured a Cognitive Psychology teacher who has gone on to teach these principles throughout the world. Lou Tice, my godfather was this teacher, ironically. He was like a solitary being in my head as I listened. His advice was that the best thing for anyone to do to improve their lives is to be aware of what they are thinking about themselves. As a 14-year-old, I realized I had earned the equivalent of a PhD in that area. I wanted to learn how the tools worked!
Lou invited me in 1980 to come to work for him. I accepted! Lou allowed me to have the chance to work with some of the most respected psychologists in the world, such as Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Gary Latham, along with Dr. Albert Bandura. For me, the most valuable insight was from Dr. Leon Festinger, and his cognitive dissonance theory. A cognitive dissonance can be described as tension when there are two contradicting thoughts.
One way to understand cognitive dissonance is by visualizing yourself walking into a room, and seeing a picture that hangs crookedly on the wall. Is that something you would find bothersome? Yes! Yes! “hung correctly.”The tension causes me to want to straighten my picture. Once the picture has reached a certain level of alignment with my mental image of what it is, then the tension will end and the straightening stops. “suppose to be!”This made a huge difference in my life! It all comes down to the words “the image I hold in my mind of how things are suppose to be.”
“Suppose to be.”The objective truth of Suppose To Be isn’t true. It’s a subjective truth. It is subjective truth. “supposed to be”It is different for each person. It’s my educated opinion on how things work. Extensively, it is how I know things should be in all areas of my life. I have all my “truths”As the images against which I balance my lives, hang. I can be shy if I need to. It’s because that is who I have become. This is why I don’t have any money at the end. “truth”About me. All of my self-images, from the way I view myself as an athlete to how well I do in one sport to how much I talk to myself privately to public speaking, came from learning. “a truth”. Note what I said “a truth”And not “the truth”. Because my truth is subjective. You’d find it much easier to modify if you simply called it what it really is, my current opinion.
Cognitive dissonance can be described as a way to reduce stress, regardless of what my opinions are. When they win the lottery and have not been very poor, people feel the pressure of too much wealth. Then they start to straighten the picture from the outside so it matches the inside. They spend or get rid of money. My subconscious doesn’t care if the image I have is bad or good. This is what is amazing. When I see the outside and it doesn’t match the image I have in my head, I feel stressed. I found this to be one of my favorite explanations for self-sabotage.
It seems like there are infinite pictures on my walls. If I examine the frames closely, you’ll see that many of them contain mirrors. I keep a large number of photographs of the world as it is supposed to look and also many photos of myself as I imagine the world to be. If confronted with an opposition “truth”To match my mental picture, I try to make the outside world look right.
My understanding of psychology and cognitive dissonance gave me another option to reduce stress. The outside picture can be adjusted to fit the inside. However, my brain can adjust the interior picture to suit the outside. It can even match the outside. And I can get rid any stress or discomfort. This is how it usually happens. Ever bought a brand new car? “anything”? You could call it a bike, car or any other vehicle. Let’s just say that it was car. You tend to be annoyed by the first scratch or ding you see on your car. So you make an immediate fix. Most likely, the third, fifth, and sixth scratches weren’t noticed. Why? We can use almost any substance through natural assimilation. This occurs mainly through the unconscious repetition and repeating of observations. Things don’t bother you until I am conscious of the difference.
It is why without realizing, I can play the best round of golf and have my friend tell me. “Do you know how good you’re playing?”Ich sage, “No. I knew I was doing pretty well.”Next, I ask you the awareness question. “How good am I doing?”With that realization I could rest assured that I would self-correct my behaviour by hitting the next shot in water or out the bounds.
This may sound dark. I’m somehow tied to all of my pictures. These pictures can help me grow, but I have the ability to use them all! You can use cognitive dissonance in order to get new pictures. All of us have done it at one time or another in our lives. John Herrington was an excellent example. John Herrington was the first Native American astronaut. John, who was without any role models to help him imagine himself in space. John did it so often that his mind conditioned itself to believe that this was the best thing he could do. “truth.”He saw no support for his mental picture in real life, so he learned, trained, and became what he first imagined.
Today, I realize that no one of the photos I keep in my memory is fixed. These pictures are flexible and can be changed. I also have the ability to add new images to an existing inventory. There is a formula for creating and altering pictures that you can use to create the future you desire. This formula can be found here “(I +V)R = A”. The subconscious mind is made up of Imagination, Vividness and Repetition.
This is what most people will need to do once to understand the concept. Take a few deep breaths and relax as I show you the next scene. You can close your eyes and listen to the rest of this scene if it is you. Picture a work day that was so long you don’t have the time for food. When you get home, the house is empty and all lights have gone out. You find your way to the kitchen, and open the fridge door. The light turns on, and your fridge is empty. You continue to search, even though your stomach is empty. Your search for the perfect lemon is rewarded when you find it in the fruit drawer. It’s big. It’s bright. It’s chilled. It is not too firm. It’s perfect! It is also the best thing to satisfy your hunger pangs. Take the lemon and place it on a cutting board. This is similar to cutting paper. You then cut each half in half. Then, you cut the other half in half. You will see the perfect quarter-sized lemon right in front of your eyes. Grab the cut, using your index and thumb to hold it. Give it a gentle squeeze. You will notice tiny drops of juice on the tender surface of your lemon. It is ready for you to taste the lemon’s tart flavor as soon as it comes into your mouth. The tart lemon’s contents are absorbed right into your month. OK, that’s enough! You might feel some saliva coming out of your mouth.
Ok, so we know that the formula is effective. Even your subconscious sent saliva to aid you in digesting the imaginary lemon. We only did the following: “I + V”Only one. You will need to repeat the process for larger images. The amount of emotion you attach to imagery determines the number of repetitions. Scientists have proven that it is possible to create any image you want by simply imagining them. You now have the empirical evidence. Perhaps it’s time to hang new pictures.
Let’s start by creating a photograph from those negatives that you still have. Let me show you using one of my negatives. Let’s see… oh, here’s one. “I lose my temper when people disagree with my opinion.”Now these are just words I use when I describe the scene. What are the behaviors that I notice when I use them?
> I raise my voice.
> I no longer listen to the words of others.
> When the other person is speaking, I interrupt.
> My eyes are tingling.
> My eyes tend to roll.
> I will defend my position in many ways.
> My body is showing aggression.
> I bring my anger to the next unrelated subject.
> My abrupt conclusion to our conversation.
> I get into withholding silence.
This isn’t the best picture I have. I find it embarrassing, stupid, and mad.
Good news for me is that I now have the tools to make the pictures I want. Images that trigger emotions are triggered by words. Just imagine yourself being the exact opposite. Let’s flip what I said. I should stop telling myself that. “I lose my temper when people disagree with my opinion,”Let me just add, “I stay calm, cool and poised when people disagree with my opinion.”
These words can trigger what behaviors?
> My voice lowers.
> I pay attention with interest to the words of others.
> Let the other person finish their thoughts and answer questions.
> My eyes are wide open and so is my mind.
> I make eye contact with you and strive to get your understanding.
> The other person feels smart if they add more information or ask questions. “what if”For their consideration, please send us questions.
> My body is open and interested.
> I feel calm and relaxed as I move on to the next topic.
> Thank you for your kindness and grace.
> I keep a positive attitude and a sense of belonging.
This makes me feel relaxed, smarter and more informed.
The formula is (I+V)R = A. This allows me to find quiet places to practice and relax. If people disagree with me, they find me calm, cool, and composed. When I listen to the words of others, I am interested in their thoughts and feel comfortable and able to learn more. This visualization is repeated every day, morning and evening whenever I meet someone who disagrees with me. After a couple of weeks, I’ll have a brand new picture that is framed and hanging in my mind. This new picture will be corrected by cognitive dissonance.
This tool can be used to help you find more ease and sophistication. It may even have helped me to find joy. This tool may prove to be useful for you. Please let me know.