You can probably recall the first days of your marriage and how much each other did for you. It’s almost as though you are trying to show your partner how much you love them, even if it takes you a lot of time and energy. This can sometimes become a recurring theme after a long time. The spouse who is unable to make the effort may give up, but their spouse could still want it. The dissatisfied spouse will eventually ask for the things they need, such as more help, more attention and more effort. This could lead to the spouse being told that they’ll do better but, in reality, may not be able to follow through.
It’s possible that I will hear something like this: “I am not proud of this, but I have threatened my husband that I am going to leave him if he doesn’t put more of an effort into our marriage. He will make excuses for himself but eventually, he will promise to do better. He never does. The thing is, I’m not asking for the moon and stars. I am just asking him to be an attentive husband and to act like a man who prioritizes his wife. The older he gets, the lazier he is about this. He never wants to take me to dinner, spend any quality time with me, or show me that he cares. His ideal day is doing as little work at his office as is humanly possible, going out for a long game of golf with his slacker buddies, and then parking himself in front of the TV and even eating dinner on the couch. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t mind him having his hobbies, but there has to be a balance. I will tell him that I need more effort and attention from him or I might have to leave the relationship. It is only at this point that he will beg me not to go and tell me how much he loves me and that he couldn’t live without me, which is what I have been wanting to hear all along. Then, he will promise me that I am going to see big changes. I might see small amounts of effort for just a few days, but then he will resort back to his old ways almost immediately. I get so tired of this. To me, not following through on your promises shows a serious lack of integrity and respect and I’m getting ready to walk. Because I am just so tired of this cycle. How can I get him to do what he says he is going to do?”
It is possible to do some things, although it does not seem that this is too much. You can’t change the person inside. You can help your husband be more loving and assertive, but it won’t change his personality.
Learn How Men can be DifferentWomen are more expressive than men. They can certainly be trained and encouraged to improve their abilities. It’s unlikely that they will ever have the natural desire to care for others in the same way as we do. All of that said, you have every right to request more from your husband. However, understanding basic human nature is essential if you are to truly get the best from your man.
Understanding MirroringPeople often respond to you by reflecting back on what they are receiving. How do you interpret this statement? You will most likely see positive changes in your spouse if you show positive emotion. If you give your spouse negative reinforcement such as threats to leave him if he behaves in a certain way, you might get passive aggressive behavior back. You may see this happening sometimes now. Don’t confuse me. You have the right to question him more. It is possible that you are trying to get the worst outcome by not asking the right questions.
What Positive Reinforcement Could Do to Get Different ResultsYou might find that he is more likely to feel criticized or rejected if you threaten to abandon him. This can make it harder for him to give what you need. Use positive reinforcement whenever possible. If you are presenting what you desire, you can refer to the time that he did it in that way. This is what you could try: “remember that time you made surprise dinner reservations and we hardly made it through dinner because I couldn’t keep my hands off of you? I miss those times. I wish we could do that again.”
Although he may not make any reservations right away, he could try to make smaller efforts. When he does make reservations, it is important to acknowledge it and give him praises. It’s important to tell your son how happy it makes you feel, when he shows affection towards you. It’s important that he does not think he cannot meet your high standards. If he does, he might not try. Instead, set small, achievable goals for him, then praise him once he achieves them. Then, gradually increase the goal until he feels confident.
One day I was able to see a famous couple on talk shows. They asked how they managed to stay happily married for 20 years. Her husband told her that he had charged her phone, and that he then handed it to her. She was so upset she thought it would fall apart. She stated that she knew how to interpret the text. Instead of getting annoyed at him for giving her the phone while her hands were full, she realized that this was his way of showing affection and caring for her. You have to be grateful for the little things that happen and praise him for them. You will find that you can ask more for the same results and continue to offer encouragement.